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Relationships.com

09-09-2009

I recently saw Ben Kingsley and Penelope Cruz in a terrific movie called “Elegy” (a term for a sad, plaintive story or poem, often with death as its central theme). They gave life to two very powerful characters, through which some important issues were explored. Kingsley’s confidante (played by Dennis Hopper) spoke about the “invisibility” of beautiful women. So completely flummoxed are males by their physical beauty, that their real worth and human character are completely invisible.

One of the other important issues is Kingsley’s character’s choice of life as a person who eschews commitment. Of course, this intelligent soul mounts sound defenses to help him adapt to life. He has an exciting career as a teacher and celebrated critic. He has a series of sexually-based relationships. He has a sense of humour about life, and doesn’t take himself too seriously. He is in his 60’s. This all got me thinking about the current status of “relationships”.

We find ourselves in a world where, yet again, the internet has found a ready market. The market is those “seeking relationships”. The changes in relationships over the past 50 years are well documented. From early marriages (to escape the family of origin, to enjoy physical intimacy etc) and relatively low divorce rates to later marriage, more divorces, more marriages etc. etc.

Two groups have especially embraced the notion of “booting up” some relationship action. Women often reach their 30’s, having prioritised their careers over motherhood in their 20’s. This leaves them with a sense of fertility panic, given the problems associated with conception after the mid 30’s. Their usual male partner in times past would be 5-10 years older then. “Assortive mating” is about people of similar intelligence, educational levels and interests tending to self select as partners. These females would be looking for males who were similar to them in these aspects.

The males who fit this category for the female in her mid 30’s are often spending time with women in their mid to late 20’s. It would seem obvious that males are doing this because they are well established in their careers and therefore are more attractive to women generally. One wonders whether, at a more biological level, these younger women are more attractive because of their increased fertility.

This often leaves women in their 30’s choosing men who are older, divorced and with children from a previous marriage. This is not to say that these relationships don’t work; it is simply to say that there has been change in the overall demographic in this group. Their pursuit of their careers often leaves them in a much more favourable financial situation than would have been the case 40-50 years ago. They are generally more independent in this, and other senses.

The other group attracted to the net for finding potential partners is people of both genders over 45 years. They are hardly likely to hit the club scene in search of love. They need their beauty sleep and the music is way too loud!

Of course, life is often quite complicated in this group. They often have adult offspring, lead busy lives and have a lot to lose financially if a long term relationship doesn’t work out at this stage of their lives. They are often a bit “gun-shy” about relationships generally, especially if they have come from a previous difficult situation. They are more set in their ways and less adaptable to change. They resent having an extra towel in their tidy bathroom!

The internet gives people the opportunity to “tick the boxes” about obvious stuff like interests, lifestyle, geography, educational level, occupational level and (for some) star signs!

What is fascinating is that, no matter how the “boxes” line up, the first frisson of physical attractiveness trumps just about everything else (for both genders). The implication in the film “Elegy” is that physical attractiveness can blind up to the real worth of the other person. However, without it there is no “first base” for most people, (no matter how superficial this seems). There are of course, exceptions where people “grow to like”, but these are a minority.

The business of what happens after the initial attraction is the subject of a huge body of literature, music, poetry, endless human reflection and no small amount of academic and professional interest. In its simplest terms it is about how well those two people adapt to the inevitable developmental challenges faced by themselves and the other party.

In the animal kingdom (with some exceptions where certain species mate for life) “relationships” have a perfunctory though vital purpose – the propagation and survival of the species. They therefore occur at a time of peak female fertility and in the context of an environment capable of supporting a nursing mother.

This reproductive imperative continues to be powerful (as any 30 something single female will tell you), though relationships have come to serve many other purposes in humans eg. companionship, a hedge against loneliness in old age, financial stability by combining assets, protection and nurturing by someone stronger, avoiding facing life alone.

The internet has probably opened doors to at least meeting some people, especially where the usual introductory “rituals” have declined in some cultures. Busy lives don’t allow for hours spent in noisy, crowded places in search of company.

The main proviso is that internet content doesn’t supplant the magic of face to face, real interpersonal contact. The seductive quality of impersonal, though often intense “contact” by the net is heady for some. So, for these people it actually reduces the chances of finding a real partner, especially as this cyber contact can be pleasant ie. the behaviour is rewarded. It might be all these people need, and it might be more than they had before this option was available. We have invented a “new” relationship, perhaps the net based equivalent of the old “pen pal”.

Yours sincerely…..

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