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Boosting Self Confidence

16-04-2009

Both these terms are concerned with how we feel about ourselves. Some of us are lucky enough to have an extroverted, outgoing personality. These people find it easy to behave “as if” they feel OK about themselves. This behaviour isn’t always an accurate reflection of how they see themselves “deep down”. Vice versa; a more reserved person might have a very healthy sense of who they are, even though this isn’t as obvious from their behaviour.

Feeling confident with a healthy sense of self is usually a function of feeling in control of and satisfied with our internal and external worlds.

Several factors are important in determining how we feel about ourselves and some of the most significant ones are:

The quality of our relationships with important others.
Physical and mental health.
Work and finances.
Non-work interests and passions.
Well-developed and consistent long term, intermediate and short term goals.
Making meaning of our existence.
Physical appearance.

Humans enjoy a sense of control over factors around them. They feel uncomfortable if things seem to be “spinning”. A lot of human energy is wasted worrying about factors which are beyond our control. It is a much more rewarding process to devote energy to factors which are under our own control. I will consider each of the headings above and consider what it is that we can or can’t control about them.

1. Relationships.

We cannot control others thoughts or behaviour (nor should we want to). Relationships are the single most important determinant of our psychological wellbeing.

Think about the important people in your life. Ask yourself what you could do or say which would improve your relationship with them. Simple regular contact is a good start. Remember to let important people know how you feel about them. Ask regularly about their concerns, passions and ideas about your stuff.

Make time for this. Be persistent with contact. Remember important dates (have them diarised somewhere). Occasionally do something “special” eg. cook them a meal, take them a small gift, send them stuff you see about their particular interests.

Your confidence and esteem will be significantly improved by regular contact with delightful people. You must take responsibility for your role in these relationships. They don’t just happen.

2. Physical and Mental Health

We cannot control our age or our genetics, but we can be aware of their importance in health. There is much we can do to moderate the effect of genetics and aging upon our health. A regular review of our physical health becomes more important after the age of 40. Use whatever preventative technology is available eg. pap smears, PSA’s, colonoscopies, mammography, biological screening. Your GP is the best first stop.

So much has been written about regular exercise that it is almost invisible now. Its benefits are well-established. So, how come Australia has astronomically high levels of obesity?

The world seems to be divided into two with exercise; those who embrace it and have probably done so since childhood, and those who are vehemently opposed to it with almost religious zeal. If you are one of these it is time to consider this challenge – undertake a trial of regular, gentle exercise (3-5 times per week, for a minimum of 30-40 minutes) for the next 6 weeks. Then, honestly consider whether you FEEL better. I guarantee you will. If you do it for a week and stop, there is little benefit from a psychological perspective. Someone to help with this or to do it with will make it much easier.

It might be time to review your food intake. Be kind to yourself and use common sense and know that what matters is how your behaviour has changed in a year’s time, not how it is in a month.

Drugs and alcohol require careful review. Their benefits are dramatically outweighed by the personal costs.

There is a close relationship between physical and mental health. The main mental health issues affecting our society are depression and anxiety. If you suspect a problem here go to the “Beyond Blue” website, fill out the questionnaires and, if necessary, discuss the results with your GP.

You will have noticed there is much to be DONE about physical and mental health. The payoff for self-confidence and esteem is enormous. You will feel better, look better, sleep better, eat more normally and be less anxious.

3. Work and Finances

We spend a lot of our lives at work. Work is generally healthy for humans (a role in life, a regular routine, an income, a social network, status and feeling of achievement). If we are “actively engaged” in work (with enthusiasm and a desire for personal growth) it will be a positive psychological factor in our lives. However, an unhappy workplace is just as toxic psychologically as unemployment.

What you can do is keep a few questions in mind. Do I look forward to going to work? Can I do something to improve my work skills? Is there something I would much rather be doing? Would it be a feasible time to undergo re-training to change my career trajectory?

In the same way as our health, a regular appraisal of the financial situation is well worth the time. Perceived financial problems are a major cause for worry in our culture. It might be worth discussing these issues with someone you trust. Usually the situation improves with some open discussion and assessment.

4. Non Work Interests and Passions.

As with relationships, these require time, effort and planning. In an ideal
world these areas of our lives would command as much effort as our work lives. Whereas there is some sense of necessity about work (we have to eat), our connection to art, literature, film, theatre, music and hobbies is a question of choice. The payoff is enormous. They provide the real juice of our existence, and this improves our self esteem. Once again, ACTION is required.

5. Goals

These involve making CHOICES about how we see the direction of our lives. Long-term goals are important, but much less specific. Short-term goals are about the problems for “this week” and are very specific in terms of time and action. Intermediate goals are somewhere between. All should be consistent with each other.

I am eternally surprised about how few people have ever even considered their personal goals. Doing a regular review of long term goals is a way of appraising how things have been going, and giving life some perspective. This has the effect of putting us more in command of the “big picture” as well as the day to day particulars of life.

6. Making Meaning

For some the “meaning” they make of life is simply to be a decent human,
friend or parent. For others there is a concern for “higher” meaning. Time is spent fruitfully exploring this issue by some medium eg. religion. It often provides intellectual stimulus as well as a sense of community with like-minded people. Making some sense of why we are here gives many people a lot of comfort, rather than being confronted by the seemingly futile alternative.

7. Physical Appearance

This will usually be a reflection of our physical and psychological wellbeing. However, it is no surprise that “makeover” TV shows are popular. Quite drastic changes in our sense of self occur when changes are made in various aspects of our appearance. However, this is not as easy as it seems. Our hair style, clothing and other trappings of appearance often reflect our personalised sense of “what looks good” (ie.taste). To change these things implies that our taste wasn’t all that it might be. So, when considering changes, it might be worth discussing these issues with someone you trust. We are creatures of habit so that changes in these areas are often quite dramatic from a psychological perspective. However, the positive effects can also be quite remarkable in their extent.