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Article

Pains In the Work Place

31-03-2009

Chances are there is someone in your workplace who causes more than their fair share of interpersonal grief. These people behave in ways which cause emotional strife for most people they encounter.

The commonest three are: The Bully, The Manipulator and The Dramatist.

The Bully loves to intimidate others. This situation is particularly dangerous if the bully also sits in a position of power. Hierarchies appeal to them. Added to the hectoring, domineering style of communication is the sinister idea that other people’s futures in the organisation depend to some extent on their approval. These people couldn’t spell “negotiation” if their life depended on it. There is no need to negotiate if their opinion or perspective is the only one worth considering.

Their style makes frequent use of personal criticism as a means of gaining the upper hand in any discussion. Literature sometimes paints well known political or military leaders as able to make rapid, decisive decisions. These paragons of leadership are also able to “sell” their ideas to those around them. Those more directly affected by these figures would be more likely to describe this so-called “leadership” as thinly disguised bullying. Winston Churchill, in 1942 said “what I require is for others to comply with my wishes, after reasonable discussion”

Bullies cause pain for those around them. The person on the receiving end feels personally put down and that their opinions are “always wrong” (therefore worthless). The workplace feels like a constant visit to the headmaster’s office.

This is no way to live (or work). Research from the UK in the 70’s and 80’s showed repeatedly that working in a toxic workplace is just as harmful emotionally as being unemployed.

If you are part of a large organisation the HR Department can be a reasonable first port of call to talk about bullying. However, this introduces a third party to the equation and things can start getting complicated. This is especially the case where the bully is a very senior person in the organisation. HR people are also employed by the system and might also be intimidated by these people.

Never get involved verbally with bullies if they are angry. Arrange to speak with them later, but not too much later. The aim is to talk about how the bully’s BEHAVIOUR adversely affects you, eg. “most people would find your behaviour yesterday offensive and intimidating. Personal criticism has little bearing on what was being discussed. You tend to de-value my opinion”.

Often this will induce even more anger in the bully. They resent the implied criticism. Keep your voice calm. If the anger escalates, excuse yourself by saying “you seem to be upset. We should continue this discussion at a later time”. This sounds easy, but it is not. However, if you can continue to address this problem in a calm manner the results are often surprising. What is there to lose? At least there is the feeling that you are more in control of your responses in your dealings with these people.

The Manipulators thrive on “splitting”. The manipulator knows two people who are friendly colleagues. They endear themselves to one of this pair. Once they have this person’s confidence, they subtly start their tricks. They imply that the third person in this little triangle isn’t quite what they seem. The person they have befriended has some mild doubts about the other person’s loyalty. This undermines the warmth and openness of their previously good relationship, leaving the previous friends feeling alienated and uneasy with each other. It is not until these two finally get to discuss what is going on that the manipulator is exposed. Unhappily, this sometimes never happens, or only happens much later in proceedings. Manipulators often view the world as fitting into two groups – those who are with them and those who are against them. They often experience people around them in this black and white way.

As a result of this splitting behaviour (ie, causing a split in a previously good relationship between two other people) long standing friendships are often destroyed.

Sometime there is an obvious explanation for the manipulator’s behaviour (self promotion, envy), but often they “just do it”. Careful examination of the manipulator’s past will reveal a veritable trail of human debris in their wake.

The potential for workplace problems is enormous when a manipulator is present. Unfortunately, one way of ridding a place of these people is to write them a “good reference”. This inflicts their poison on the next unsuspecting workplace. They can often appear to function well for several months, before the problems begin, by which time the trial period in a workplace is well and truly over. The way around these people is to keep the channels of communication open with friends. Always CHECK when something is said which “doesn’t sound right”.

This leaves the people affected by the manipulator feeling angry and confused. A previously harmonious workplace may well become a place of chaos.

The Dramatist is the great exaggerator. All humans experience a range in their emotions. The dramatist has only two settings – full on or full off. Emotions and language are used in their extremes eg. a headache becomes an excruciating experience. Any situation is “the worst imaginable”. This propensity for extremes causes a discomfort in others, especially early on. Most humans are decent, kind folk. There is often a desire to ease the dramatist’s pain; to look after them. However, over time the penny drops and the original caring is replaced by some frustration and anger. This is the result of the carers becoming aware that there is no limit to the amount of caring that is possible for these people. No matter how hard you try, it will never work. People feel “conned”. The person, who was “dying” with a migraine in the afternoon, finds it in themselves to be suddenly well enough to go on an important dinner date that night. Once colleagues tire of the constant drama, they are viewed as “not caring” (just like too many other non-caring people they have encountered).

The dysfunction described in these three examples is driven by the personality features of these people. It is as if particular aspects of their personality are “dialed up”. The toxicity of their behaviour varies, but like most of us, they behave in a more primitive fashion when under stress. Because this behavior is personality based, it is not easily amenable to alteration (even if they wanted it to be).

The best you can hope for in these situations is to be aware of these people and try to minimise the harm they cause. Keep them at arms length and beware of strong feelings (negative or positive) towards a person you haven’t known for long. These feelings are probably an indication that you’re dealing with one of these people.

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